bleeding love

I can wear my hair in a low messy pony now. I love uggs i dont care if some people think their out. I wear a gray tshirt that i know makes me look fat. on a skinny day. i wear a purse now. its turquiose and not the usual. i try, effortlessly. i try with everything i have spending hours stressing out over what to wear and trying to raid my older sister's closet but unfourtunatly she has the style of a disturbed old woman.
i built and empire. i worked hard to get all the older guy friends that i have and i controlled them, sociallized with them, was admired by them, lusted after, the center or attention. they restored the glitter to my wings. some were gentle some were rough. some mattered and some didnt. they were all i had. and then i made a few girlfriends. my age. without the older connections i had. and one of them was very shy. she hung around me alot and so all of my boys were kinda introduced to her simply because she was with me. she is skinny. she wears junior high clothes with ugly uggs (yes, some uggs are HIDOUS. she finds them) and a few cheaper buckle jeans. she dosnt wear a purse. she copied my makeup. her hair is long brown and staigh. she a bucktoothish mouth and horrid teeth. a rat nose. beady eyes. kinda pretty at times. i dont understand it. suddently the focus was shifting, one by one, to her. everything that i had worked so hard for was handed over to her and she has no idea what to do with it. i must not let this happen. she is unappreciative. she didnt do any of the work. she dosnt know how to handle them. she is the shiny new toy. i've created a monster. its not fair. shes not even that pretty.
i liked one boy. trey. i liked him all year this year. its halfway through the school year for me thats a hell of a long time. i was working all my tricks and such on him. any other boy would have easily been mine and glady and unsuspecting. trey was unresponsive.and just when things with him started improving and showing some positive signs what do i discover? the shy little friend that i brought over to sit in my cool group of two really hot boys and talk in marketing has caught his eye. they didnt know she was in that class until I, ME! brought her over. then suddenly i was just tossed under the bed while they focused on her. she didnt even like trey. and she just got him handed to her.

will the heartbreak ever end? will the peices ever fit? life is a puzzle and i have all the pieces but not the picture. i try and put them together but how can i when i dont know what im making? everything i get closer edges get cut off certain peices that were fitting and now im back to square one. sometimes i just want to throw the puzzle in the blender. these are the times when i need to paint my picture on the pieces.

my heart has been destroyed. i used to be able to close it off. and now its in the open for everyone to rip apart and i cant seem to find the amour i used. its hanging in red shreads, plowing in the icy wind. frozen slowly dripping love. bleeding love.