Quote Of The Day:



There were lots of quotes that I thougt fit for today and some that almost did and some that used to. Truthfully I'm still in a bit of an imbetween stage. Some things in my life have fallen apart while others have fallen together.

"You know the one thing you’re fighting to hold
Will be the one thing you’ve got to let go"
-Spotlight by Mutemath


I spent the weekend at an all girls church retreat with my friend molly. I feel horrible becuase we only went to one of the services the rest of the time we just hung out in the cabin and gorged ourself on hot choclate. But it was only from 5 p.m. on friday to 6 p.m. saturday and we did go to one service so thats not too bad. It was great to go up to the mountain top and get away from everything and have some geniune bestie girl time. Very sensay.

Unfourtunatly, I found of this one boy I was starting to like most defantly dosn't like me. A little sad but hey it wasnt meant to be. I've started expecting every guy I meet and know to just be all over me and that I can have anyone I want and thats not the case no matter how pretty or sexy or whatever anyone is. Coming to grips with reality is never easy but always neccesary.

I gave Nick to God this weekend. Meaning,the fact that I couldn't stop him from doing drugs and continuing his reckless behaviour isn't my fault. I'm not his mother. It's his life anyways if he wants to ruin it so be it. I can't blame myself for things turning out the way they did with him. It's not just my fault. He's not my project no matter what i do, i will never ever be able to change him. It's not possilbe. I have to accept that and allow myself to heal and stop feeling guilty and lusting after him and all the 'what ifs' that went along with out 'relationship'. It's not going to be easy but I can't keep on like this. After all, it's all part of the process of getting over someone.

IN OUT: ME

IN:
tiffany and co.

cleaning

my blackberry as always

purses

blank and white pictures

slow songs

lazy weekends

wind

florda?






OUT:

obsessing over boys

nick harris

florida?

insecurity

bitchy high school girls

stop. i cant. why?

STOP.
saying things you dont' mean. calling me when your drunk. you dont' have to remeber the false promises and empty hopes or feel the real emotions but i do. giving me those weird looks at school. messing with my head. making me shake. make me slightly nausous. making me feel stupid. stupid in love. hurting me. dissapointing me. looking so hot. abusing your body with drugs and alchohal. beings so easy to constantly thing 'what if' about. treating my heart like your punching bag. calling me 'the bitch' and 'mudshark' when if anything i should be the one who hates you. leading me on without ever talking to me. looking at me in the hallways. making my life hell at times. making every love song about you. being so damn gorgeous.

cause im always given.
here waitin while your living.
i need a new beggin.
-it takes more by jordin sparks

I CAN'T.
stop thinking about you. say no to you playing with my heart. trying to get in my pants. look at you in the hallway. stop trying and get your attention sometimes. not look all around if at a socail event until i see you. stop caring what you think about me.stop 'loving' you. stop hating you. stop caring.

was i the only one who fell in love?
there never really was the two of us.
maybe my all just wasnt good enough.
-was i the only one by jording sparks

WHY.
hurt me. party so hard. not care about other people.do i care about you so much? did you have to be the one. can't i get over you? do you hurt so bad? do u have such an affect on me? do i have to go through this heartache? doesnt the heart break even.

take a bow, cause you've taken everything else.
you played the part, and like a star you played it so well.
take a bow, cause this scene is coming to an end.\
-take a bow by leona lewis

this is my limit

I want a classic Tiffany and Co. engagement ring. I want a rich NBA or NFL husband who ADORES me. everything about me he cant get enough of. who lets me be myself and i love him the same. i want lots of friends and family that i like. i want lots and lots of money and clothes. i want to be spoiled and pampered. i want my husband to stand up to the world for me. to protect me when nothing is ok. who understands. i want to be able to do the same for him. i want love. i want to have fun in life. i dont want to hurt anymore.
i wanted to be treated right by a man. i'm through with the dissapointments. i cant take any more. this is my limit. you cant break whats already broken.
i want a big house, with lots of friends and life going on all around me. i want to never want for anything.
i want to be happy.

bleeding love

I can wear my hair in a low messy pony now. I love uggs i dont care if some people think their out. I wear a gray tshirt that i know makes me look fat. on a skinny day. i wear a purse now. its turquiose and not the usual. i try, effortlessly. i try with everything i have spending hours stressing out over what to wear and trying to raid my older sister's closet but unfourtunatly she has the style of a disturbed old woman.
i built and empire. i worked hard to get all the older guy friends that i have and i controlled them, sociallized with them, was admired by them, lusted after, the center or attention. they restored the glitter to my wings. some were gentle some were rough. some mattered and some didnt. they were all i had. and then i made a few girlfriends. my age. without the older connections i had. and one of them was very shy. she hung around me alot and so all of my boys were kinda introduced to her simply because she was with me. she is skinny. she wears junior high clothes with ugly uggs (yes, some uggs are HIDOUS. she finds them) and a few cheaper buckle jeans. she dosnt wear a purse. she copied my makeup. her hair is long brown and staigh. she a bucktoothish mouth and horrid teeth. a rat nose. beady eyes. kinda pretty at times. i dont understand it. suddently the focus was shifting, one by one, to her. everything that i had worked so hard for was handed over to her and she has no idea what to do with it. i must not let this happen. she is unappreciative. she didnt do any of the work. she dosnt know how to handle them. she is the shiny new toy. i've created a monster. its not fair. shes not even that pretty.
i liked one boy. trey. i liked him all year this year. its halfway through the school year for me thats a hell of a long time. i was working all my tricks and such on him. any other boy would have easily been mine and glady and unsuspecting. trey was unresponsive.and just when things with him started improving and showing some positive signs what do i discover? the shy little friend that i brought over to sit in my cool group of two really hot boys and talk in marketing has caught his eye. they didnt know she was in that class until I, ME! brought her over. then suddenly i was just tossed under the bed while they focused on her. she didnt even like trey. and she just got him handed to her.

will the heartbreak ever end? will the peices ever fit? life is a puzzle and i have all the pieces but not the picture. i try and put them together but how can i when i dont know what im making? everything i get closer edges get cut off certain peices that were fitting and now im back to square one. sometimes i just want to throw the puzzle in the blender. these are the times when i need to paint my picture on the pieces.

my heart has been destroyed. i used to be able to close it off. and now its in the open for everyone to rip apart and i cant seem to find the amour i used. its hanging in red shreads, plowing in the icy wind. frozen slowly dripping love. bleeding love.