ramble

I have all these things swimming through my head and i want to write them down or do something to get them out. out, out of me, for i am full enough with myself and others opionions of me. i want to be a butterfly. never noticed, but admired from a distant.i already am a butterfly. and i have been handled so many times that the golden star dust that allows me to fly has been rubbed off by the greedy and unknowing hands of my admirors who know not how to handle my beauty. i am best if left at a distance.
maybe i can run from it all. like i used to. maybe i can run away from my weird family and nagging mother. my crush on trey. my inabliity to detach my heart from some of my past. . .boytoys. my weight. my attraction to things that hurt me. my weird social habbits. the bonds that people are trying to put on me by frienship or more.
life is a race. people put ties on you and lines that you can run in like a track. and if you finish first you must undoubtably, everytime, break those bonds. snap that finish line. and you've won. but you have no bonds, no friends, human interaction besides your accumulated fans who dont want you they want your wins your seeming strength your ability to succed. but never you.
pink nail polish makes me feel like a woman. or a young lady perhaps in more innocent times. makes me feel in control of myself. makes me feel put together. makes me feel as if i must appear to have it together to the outside world. when i have my pink nail polish on it dosnt matter that im wearing cheap american eagle jeans, a zip up jacket, a tee shirt and some flats unlike the glamor gods that stalk the highschool halways around me. it donsnt matter that i dont have on earrings necklaces bracelets and rings that are subltly cordinated with my full large purse not quite slutty but close sized heeled boots or other shoe and stitching of their 200 dollar jean along with their dress shirts. those things dont matter. because i have my pink nail polish on. it dosnt matter that their boyfriend may want me despite their perfect hair and the fact that they never ever have a tube of lip gloss pop out of their pocket while walking down the hallway so they never have to stop and bend down and pick it up.