observations on high school girls

there makeup is always perfect, they seem to have found that delicate line between fierce and natural looking, effortlessly. they never drop things in halways and have to stop the flow of traffic and bend down and pick it up. they never look like a little girl wobbling around trying to fill in her mothers heels when they wear purses to school. they arnt afraid of the moments that strike them. there jeans are 200 dollars and the designs and colored stiching on the pockets and hems always match everything else in their outfit. they never battle with their weight. they never carry around binders yet they seem to effortlessy pass all their classes as if it was nothing. when looking at them you doubt if they ever forget to change their tampon or bring and extra pad to school. they ALWAYS have it together. they always have accersories like scarves or jewlery or belts or something. everyday looks as if their workin their fav outfit that they put lots and lots of time putting together. they always have a steady fling with someone that most likly will turn into a placid yet steamy relationship. they could not be virgins and they would be thought of none the less. they dont walk they glide. i bet they never forget to do their laundry. they never have teachers mad at them and if they do it really dosnt matter. they skip class and its the same as if they went to class and raised their hands to answer every question. they can go to parties and get high or drunk on the occasion and its nothing to speak of. many of them drive and may perhaps not live at home but at lavish appartments of their own. they have the most up to date technology and always know the latest scoop of gossip before you and its not a big deal. they are almost never seen with friends yet have filled to the brim socail lives. many boys want them and they flirt but no other girl bats and eyelash at it. they can send naked pictures to a boy and others many find out and it will be meaningless. they may complain of a thing that didnt go anywhere because a boy treated them badly but someone on fridays they always manage to be wearing a star players jersey. they have a look of calm resignation to being perfect on their faces. they never doubt themselves. their hair never reacts to the weather. their belts and leggings always stay in place. they can be tardy to class and it will be as if they were there 5 minutes early. they carry everything a girl needs in their purses and they have something thats a solution to everything. they never have moments of doubt and awkardness like what should i do now? or where should i sit because i have no friends in this class? they go through the day never opening their mouths but have socialized with everyone. they never feel nervous or unsure about going on a date because there will never be a dull moment in conversation and they dont have to worry about being a bad kisser, or if to hold hands. they are more than comfortable to eat the messiest foods on a big screen in front of the whole school, but somehow they manage to escape eating completly and never be hungry. they always have money and the latest clothes though they drive and dont have jobs. everything fits into their schdule without the least bit of conflict. they dont care what other people did and if they cared to listen it wouldnt be anything bad. their hair, makeup, outfits, nails,everything is always perfect without the least bit of shown effort. they only like one boy who likes them back immediatly and its done. that simple. they sins and mistakes are forgiven instantly, or perhaps they dont make and mistakes and their sin is instantly changed into a act of good will.
they are not girls but woman of a higher kind, they have found themselves in their own skin. how does one become one of them?



can it be done through crying your eyes out over boys who hurt you one too many times? is it from messing up so much that you can't get any worse so everything you do from then on whethere it used to be a mistake or not is now fine? can it be done through countless bad hairdays that you learn to manage any hair day that comes along with ease? can it be done by sitting through so many classes that you learn to not be there and it would be as if you were? can it be done through some very very bad trying to be daring outfits that one day everything you wore no matter how on the edge of fashion it worked and was respetable? can you accumulate a closet that has a jacket that matches everything and shoes that go with everything and an accersori that you never forget you have that just goes splendlidy with your outfit? can it be done through countless akward moments that you simply learn how to use your femine whiles to relax fates cruel hand unpon your human interactions? can it be done through learning everything the hard way?

if so, i should be getting there any damn day now.

ramble

I have all these things swimming through my head and i want to write them down or do something to get them out. out, out of me, for i am full enough with myself and others opionions of me. i want to be a butterfly. never noticed, but admired from a distant.i already am a butterfly. and i have been handled so many times that the golden star dust that allows me to fly has been rubbed off by the greedy and unknowing hands of my admirors who know not how to handle my beauty. i am best if left at a distance.
maybe i can run from it all. like i used to. maybe i can run away from my weird family and nagging mother. my crush on trey. my inabliity to detach my heart from some of my past. . .boytoys. my weight. my attraction to things that hurt me. my weird social habbits. the bonds that people are trying to put on me by frienship or more.
life is a race. people put ties on you and lines that you can run in like a track. and if you finish first you must undoubtably, everytime, break those bonds. snap that finish line. and you've won. but you have no bonds, no friends, human interaction besides your accumulated fans who dont want you they want your wins your seeming strength your ability to succed. but never you.
pink nail polish makes me feel like a woman. or a young lady perhaps in more innocent times. makes me feel in control of myself. makes me feel put together. makes me feel as if i must appear to have it together to the outside world. when i have my pink nail polish on it dosnt matter that im wearing cheap american eagle jeans, a zip up jacket, a tee shirt and some flats unlike the glamor gods that stalk the highschool halways around me. it donsnt matter that i dont have on earrings necklaces bracelets and rings that are subltly cordinated with my full large purse not quite slutty but close sized heeled boots or other shoe and stitching of their 200 dollar jean along with their dress shirts. those things dont matter. because i have my pink nail polish on. it dosnt matter that their boyfriend may want me despite their perfect hair and the fact that they never ever have a tube of lip gloss pop out of their pocket while walking down the hallway so they never have to stop and bend down and pick it up.

CONFESSION #2

My first kiss was gross. Perhaps part of the problem was that it was with a gross boy. But at the time, he was anything but gross. It was in 8th grade, at the end of the year. I was 14. Late bloomer I know. I had never kissed a boy before so had no idea what it was like or what to expect.I can't tell you how much i stressed over being a good kisser and watching youtube videos on how to kiss. Creepy right? yes. And when the time came it was after school. Saying goodbye. He was my first actually boyfrind too mind you. We hugged and then WHAP! It was actually just a quick peck on the lips. His lips were so warm as mushy and soft and EWWW. Thinking back im like how could i ever has kissed that toad?! Anyways. I discovered it gets better. not with him of coarse.

CONFESSION #1

I had someone die in my life that is still alive. Has that ever happened to you? I had a best friend, and we got in a huge fight parents got involved blah blah blah and that happend in 7th grade. We had been inseperable for two years. And then suddenly, when we walked by each other in the halways at school we didnt even look at each other. yet we knew the ins and outs of each other like, perhaps, no one else. Mckenzie became dead to me. And that killed me. To suddenly have a huge part of you ripped out with little warning. . . is catstrofic. And at such a young age when you are just shaping into the person your going to be for the rest of your life. And whats worse? I didn't just lose a best friend, i lost my family. Not my blood family, but the family that i felt i should have been borne into. My mother had a severe drinking problem at that time in my life. I didn't know what mood she would be in when i came home. It was terrifing i had always had such a stamble life. My mother had never been like that. She is practically the most over involved parent ever. But from 6th grade into freshman year she was having a midlife crisis. I pretty much lived at Kenzie's house for two years. Her mother Nish took me in as her own and she was the spunky crazy easy going stable mother i never had. My father died when i was 10 months old and my mother never remairried. Kenz dad Rich was truely the father i never had. I remember one night the fam was at a haunted house and i was scared. In 6th grade. Rick held me next to him and rubbed my arm and stayed with me through it the entire time. Like a father would have. Kenz sister Jess was the hollister wearing loving big sis that my sister could never be. My own sister is my exact opposite. Artsie and a little weird. Jess was popular and mature and would hang out with us and share friends. They were also really rich. I belonged with them. if i could have picked a family i wouldn't have been able to find one better. And then to have it taken away knocked the breath out of me and im just starting to get it back. I had to go through the grieving cycle as if there had been some type of horrible car crash the once second i wasn't with them and the entire family had died. But what made it worse was I saw Kenz and Jess at school. I saw there house all the time. It was like being a ghose, standing right next to someone living and screaming at the top of your lungs but not being seen or heard. I transferred schools. Tried to start all over.